I find it kind of funnyI find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dyingAre the best I've ever had--from Tears for Fears' Mad World (1982)Just in case you're about to pick up the phone and inform the authorities that a crazy person is planning to kill himself on the Internet, let me start by saying that I have made no such plans -- at least not with the sort of urgency that would require your drastic intervention.Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's talk about death, shall we?It would be untruthful (not to mention cliche) if I were to say that I've been "plagued" or "tormented" by suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. "Pestered" seems the more appropriate term because, while these impulses have been quite virulent at times, they are, for the most part, pretty mild. I'll be reminded of an upcoming family function, or my girlfriend will want to discuss "the relationship" and I'll think, "if I just go ahead and kill myself, I can totally avoid this."Thanks to an imagination that is as vivid as it is morbid, these fantasies do tend to be disturbingly graphic and detailed. Usually, they involve a stainless steel .38 or .357 revolver pressed under my chin. Never in the mouth -- at least not since a plastic surgeon from Dallas explained to me that his most challenging jobs involve reconstructing the faces of those poor souls who, in a last second change of heart, attempt to jerk the barrel out of their mouths while pulling the trigger.The gun is always hard and cold; my flesh yields all too willingly to its unwavering sense of purpose. In my more philosophical moments I envy the inherent certainty of its design -- if only whoever put me together had shown a similar dedication to craftsmanship. I feel its reassuring heft in my hand, and take a deep breath as my finger wraps around the bevelled edges of the trigger. Hints of gunpowder, brass and cleaning oil combine to fill my sinuses with a musky, erotically-charged aroma.Sometimes I leave my body just as I pull the trigger and watch bits of my brains explode through the top of my skull and splatter across the walls and ceiling. Other times I hear only the click of the hammer and then everything goes black.These scenarios don't always involve guns, though I'm guessing the huge chunk of my formative years spent watching John Wayne and Clint Eastwood blow the heads off their enemies has left my psyche riddled with romantic ideas about firearms. As a teenager, I devoted an unacceptable number of hours to tragic reveries in which, after being chased through rainswept streets by vengeful policemen, I was shot down on the stoop of whichever neighbourhood girl had most recently rebuffed my adolescent declarations of ardour.In addition to the effects of a bullet smashing through my skull, I've pictured what it might feel like to pour gasoline over myself and light it (not good), jump off a bridge or building (way too much time to think on the way down), hang myself in a closet (is that flimsy clothes rod really supposed to hold my weight?), slash my wrists (in a word? Messy), and suffocate myself by wrapping a plastic bag over my head (this one seems rather nice, actually). All of these have their own charms and drawbacks, and I often wonder how people manage to decide. Is it merely a question of what's handy at the moment, or is it the kind of thing people put a lot of thought into?I'm not sure how unusual these preoccupations are. I'm guessing the average person doesn't spend large parts of their day fighting off recurring fantasies of self-immolation. And those who do end up offing themselves probably don't waste thirty-odd years figuring out how to do it. At any rate, this may be the one area where a tendency to procrastinate has provided me with a unique advantage and perspective.It seems like I have always been obsessed with images of death and dying. In elementary school, I covered my notebooks with images of skulls and headstones bearing my name as well as those of my teachers and fellow students. In my mid-teens I stumbled into pits of depression so black and crushing that the only thing that kept me breathing was the constant repetition of a homemade mantra that I still call on when things seem particularly bleak. Don'tkillyourself ... don'tkillyourself ... don'tkillyourself ...And yet, here I am -- not just alive, but enjoying what most people would consider an enviable existence. I work in a field that is creative and stimulating, and enjoy a fair amount of success. I have close, satisfying friendships with people who care about me. I've travelled around the world, eaten great food, drunk spectacular wines, and slept with scores of gorgeous, facinating women. It's as if this incessant awareness of death has always been tied to a powerful but silent undertow, a countervailing desire to feast on all that life has to offer.But even now, as I inch toward 50, an age that only the most deluded or genetically-gifted can refer to as mid-life, I find myself looking to suicide as a means of forestalling that tedious process of decline and decay known as the golden years. With each day bringing me inexorably closer to bifocals, hearing aids and adult diapers, a quick sidestep into the infamous white light seems an increasingly attractive option.But don't think for a minute that the decision to end yourself puts all other questions to rest. Trying to figure out what happens after the moment of truth has been the preoccupation of humanity since like, forever. And to be honest, uncertainty about what lies ahead is sometimes the only that keeps me out of the check-out line. Most of my money's on a quick fade to black, followed by a long, peaceful sleep. But one can never be sure that God, with his infinitely quirky sense of humour, hasn't already prepared to have you sodomized unto eternity by a chorus line of goat-headed demons with red hot spikes on their cocks.Over the years, I've come up with some pretty creative theories about the afterlife. One of my favourites involves being whisked off to a sort of cosmological Cineplex where you're forced to watch a movie of your entire life play out on an endless loop. If you're happy with what you've accomplished before you checked out, then re-living the time you punched the neighbourhood bully in his fat stupid face, or that night you made out with both the Mahoney sisters is about as close to paradise as one can get. On the other hand, I can think of no more scalding version of hell than being forced to stand in front of the fourth grade gym class and pee your pants over and over again with no power to change or stop it (okay, maybe that one's just me, but I think you get the point).This blog is a random collection of my thoughts on suicide, death and the afterlife, as well as all the stories I feel I need to tell before I go ahead and shuffle off this mortal coil. Is it a little dark? I suppose so, but if, as Socrates once said, the unexamined life is not worth living, wouldn't it be a shame not to take a little time and make sure that whatever end awaits you is really worth dying for?

Crossfire
How to do a bunny jump in ghost mode??Remember, u must face opposite the direction u want 2 go.First, press Ctrl and hold it in the process, press S and Space at a same time (this is important bcz it decides whenever u visible or not).Second, when u are on the air, release everything except Ctrl.Third, when u touch the round, press Space fast to get back on the air.Fourth, when u are on the air, release Space and press S (the longer u hold S on the air, the longer ur distance.)Fifth, release S when u touch the ground then repeat step ThirdIf u stop, u have 2 start over.

So, Now I Have A Blog - Now What? and Why?

As the first entry, this will necessarily be a test. More substance to come in the future.
Why am I doing a blog? To:
get more comfortable with technology, what can be done, and how I can use it to increase my productivity, impact, and personal satisfaction
leave some sort of archive of my thoughts, for my own good but, more importantly I hope, to our children. I often wonder how good a job we do in being clear about what our values are, and whether our kids will understand what made us tick. If I use this blog right, I can capture some of that here
serve as an outlet for my thoughts - I share perhaps 1% of what I think (as an off-the-scale introvert), but I hope that more than 1% has value. I do not keep a diary; this will not be one, but may serve as a similar outlet for those thoughts I feel are most important
create a mechanism for feedback. I tend to have strong opinions, but do not always seek ways for others to challenge them. Perhaps I could benefit from having others comment on my thoughts via this blog.
practice my writing skills ; my new work requires me to be a great writer. While I think I have the requisite natural abilities, they need honing.

MISCONCEPTION

We have a misconception that if a person is still single he or she is not happy..we associate being happy with having someone we can call as our girlfriends,boyfriends or even hubbies.Cant we be happy enjying life and ourselves? There are a lot of people now that are married or in a relationship but still theyaer not happy with their love life.Question is : why do we really go into a relationship??Is it for love? For companionship? For security? Are we afraid nobody will come along if we pass up to the chance we have? Are we incomplete if we are alone? Do we just live up to the quote no man is an island? Is alone synoymous to being lonely?I think the luckiest and happiest persons in teh world are those who are with the person they truly love. If we wait for the right person then we are waiting fro something grand..we should not settle for anything less. But the downside of this is if the right person for you doesnt think that you're the right person for them. That's a Major disaster jus waiting to happen. If you feel so strong for somebody you are willing to compromise your beliefs and remove your pride. You have the tendecy to give too much be degraded then eventually lose the value of your being. So with this realities can we say that true love is really worth the risk? Or should we just go on the safe side..not that ur unhappy but as i put it you are not ECSTATICALLY HAPPY..

hate it when people take each other for granted..thinking that there’s always gonna be tomorrow to make up for what they did or didn’t do today. Believing that they could apologize the next day or be grateful for somebody some other day..they assume that they always have the time. Feeling that everything is going to be as they planned.
Truth is: nobody really knows up to when we can be with somebody.
Saying im sorry-thank you-I love you-I mis u- and etc can be a life changing moment to that person. We ought to give credit and appreciation to the people who put up with all of our mess/success everyday of their lives. We tend to forget about them in the peak of our happy days and seek them during those “end-of-the-world” days. But really ..we are so blessed to have them by our side through thick and thin. To neglect them is the least thing we should do. To have them is not an ordinary benefit but a privilege given to us. A privilege we should not overlook nor abuse.
With that being said, I will try my very best to...
thank all those people who have been good to me,
apologize for those who I’ve hurt or offended,
express the love I have to those people who are very important to me,
and to forgive those who caused me pain or disregarded me."The greatest gift . . . is the realization that life does not consist either of wallowing in the past or of peering anxiously at the future; and it is appalling to contemplate the great number of often painful steps by which one arrives at a truth so old, so obvious, and so frequently expressed. It is good for one to appreciate that life is now. Whatever it offers, little or much, life is now-this day-this hour."

LIFE ACCORDING TO ME.....

Life is really complicated -- when you are down and depressed sometimes you just have to move away from all the stuff causing the trouble for you to see things clearly.Funny right? When it's right in front of you..you cant see it but when you look from afar you see everything.. ironic.There will be events in your life that you wont understand now but as you turn the pages of your journey in God's time you will have the wisdom why somebody did this or that to you. As for me,i am no saint. I committed mistakes in the course of my living but I never regret anything coz i did things the way i want it. I exhausted all resources to save or keep something and i let go of things not anymore necessary for me to hold on to.People may say good and bad things about you..well, it really doesnt matter as long as you are happy go ahead. This can be a good rule to live by BUT NOT ALL THE TIME. There will be times that you have to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of the consequences of your actions. You have to prioritize and identify the things you really value in your life and from there you make your decision. I certainly believe in karma. People can hurt you but it doesnt give you the license to hurt them back. They can do things to provoke you but it is still your choice to fight back or not. Not fighting back doesnt mean that you are letting them step into your pride or your ego..the way i see it is that at the end of this all the only person who will regret doing anything is the person who hurt you. Their conscience will haunt them for doing bad things to you and the worst part is that even though they were mean you still reciprocated it with kindness. That thought will kill 'em.Most of the things in our life are the end result of our choices. We are always given an option to say YES or NO in certain situations. You dont have the right to say that some things are inevitable because the fact that you let yourself be in that situation you just made you choice. Same goes for being happy.. it is up to you to find joy and peace in simple things. Life is too short and i dont wanna waste my time whining about what i dont have ..there are a million reasons for us to be happy all we need to do is look closely.Thanks for reading..may you have a blissful life starting today!!

I LOVE YOU

I. LOVE .YOU.
3 simple words and yet when combined gives out a very powerful and life changing meaning. Let me ask you..when was the last time you spoke these words and really meant them? Love can be manifested in so many ways..there are people who are verbal, expresses their love through words and there are some who doesn’t say it often but demonstrate theirs thru service or actions.
There was this one time that I realized I genuinely love this person when he was sleeping. I was staring at him and at the same time my mind was having a flashback on the things we’ve been through..at that moment it came to me that I truly love this person—I admired his strengths and accepted his weaknesses.
Another unforgettable incident I had that made me aware I love somebody was when he was drunk. It is funny coz usually when your BF gets into a fight & is drunk because of you the typical reaction is to be pissed off. But not me..haha..I’m weird. I don’t know but I felt the exact opposite I just didn’t tell him that time. From the bar, Me and Olive rushed him to the nearest hospital coz he had a bad reaction from all the SMB he consumed. He was injected w/different medicines that made him puked all night. While he was in the stage of alcohol intoxication he was mumbling .. I approached him to check if needs anything he grabbed me & told me: cheng, I am sorry, I love you and I don’t wanna lose you….my heart melted.
I classify love as a passionate and deep affection towards somebody and can only be proven thru time. A combination of respect, honesty, selflessness and acceptance of somebody.
The last time I said ILOVEYOU –- i felt empty after. Why? For the reason that I feel it is too untimely to conclude it’s love. The whole thing is still premature. I have this strong feeling for that person but I’m not quite sure if we are on the same page. I see the care, appreciate his efforts but is it love or is it something else? The excitement, the thrill , the happiness ..all the ingredients you can possibly think of that may make it seem love is there. But somehow there is a part of me that is still doubtful..i don’t know maybe I’m just a little flustered with all the thinking ive been doin lately.
So tonight I am making a promise to myself that the next time I will say I LOVE YOU to somebody I will be 100% positive of it. I will be certain that it is not just another infatuation, fondness or foolish extravagant attraction...